Everyone is pregnant...well, almost everyone. Not me, for instance. Why does this bother me? Some days it does, and some days it doesn't...but on the days it does, why does it? It's not - it can't be - that I somehow feel their pregnancies are preventing me from my own pregnancy. What is it, then? Pure covetousness? I tell myself no, but then again, I tell myself a lot of things.
It all comes down, I think, to this illusion in my own mind that I deserve to have a child (or more to the point, that my husband deserves to have a child). The truth is, y'all, I don't deserve anything good at all. I deserve death and hell and pain and suffering and neverending torment and separation from God. Who am I to question God's judgment, when He's been more than fair, when He's given me so much more than I deserve? Just for starters, I have a roof over my head and food in my belly and money in my bank account and a wonderful husband who loves me and thyroid meds to keep me from feeling sick and - oh my gosh - water on tap. And let's not forget, you know, eternal life. Y'all, I'm blessed, plain and simple. Baby or not, I'm a child of the Most High God. I should be less concerned with who is having children and more concerned with Whose child I am.
“That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith? So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."
-Matthew 6:25-34, New Living Translation
It's in my head, y'all, but sometimes it's not in my heart. I'm a-workin' on it, though.
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