Blue Like Jazz

My mood is so uneven.  I am fine and then irked and then in tears.  Irritations abound because difficulty abounds.  Where is my peace?  Where can I ever be safe from the tornadoes of the everyday?

The answer lies, I know, in the hollow of His hand.  He is big, He is mighty, and He is shelter and rest.  My inability to relax and rest in His peace is its own sort of learned helplessness, I suppose.  Like the animal who refuses to leave its long-dwelt cage even when the door is open, so I too am trapped in my own insecurities.  This is a lack of faith, because I know (but don't - can't? - really trust) that He is security, that God and my husband as an illustration of God are perfectly trustworthy and out for my good. 

Maybe I've been running so long, kept and held so long as an object of responsibility rather than love, that I find it difficult to conceptualize what it means to be loved, what it means for others to care for real about my happiness and my success.  I'e been told all my life that I am self-absorbed, that I am selfish, that I need to learn to think of others.  Looking back, did I really ever have a problem, or were those who so instructed me simply revealing their own self-absorption?  I don't know.  I have worked at humility, but will I ever arrive?  What's at play here?  Are my womanhood and short stature relevant to my emotional state?

I am a loving person generally.  Love is what drew me to God, and love is what drew the Lord to die for me.  I would say that love is a, if not the, defining characteristic of my life.  I care about others, or at least I think I do.  How do I appear to others?  Do they know that I love them, or do I seem concerned only with self?  My goal is not to impress others, but to be a representation of truth if I can.  No one can see my heart but me and God.  I worry about my own motivations.  Self-doubt has been both bred and instilled in me; nature and nurture are a double-whammy.

What do the two great commandments mean?  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and like unto the first one, love your neighbor as yourself.  The Law is LOVE.  I have never had a big problem loving God or others, but do I love myself?  Do I honor myself as a creation of the Most High God?  The questions come easy, but the answers never may.  In this area I am, as in all things, a work in progress.

"Everybody sings their song the way they feel it, everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands."
-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

And we begin again...

2008 was a beautiful year. I know that 2009 will be beautiful too.

I am so amazed every day at the path the Lord is leading me on. My husband is a wonderful, precious gift. Infertility is painful in our lives, but he has stuck by me through it all (and so has He). In a way, I feel that being childless - while definitely painful - is a unique opportunity to take time with my husband and really grow in love with him.

I really do feel that we love each other more every day. It feels at the end of each day that my heart is as full as it can possibly be, but in the morning, I wake to find that it has stretched just that bit more from the exercise and we are able to pour even more love into one another's hearts. I know a lot of young wives do not get the opportunity for a lot of bonding before babies, and I know that I should count myself blessed in almost every way...but I will not lie. Occasionally, that is a very hard thing to do.

My New Year's Resolution, beyond continuing to lose weight (22 pounds so far!) and spending more time with God, is to cultivate an attitude of gratitude NO MATTER WHAT...to really stop and think and count the many blessings I've been graced with.

To begin with this year, I am thankful for

1. My husband, who is exceedingly, abundantly more than I could ever ask or think, a true gift of the highest order straight from God himself.

A Million Times Blessed

It seems to me that life is not just a blessing, or a series of blessings, but really layer upon layer of blessings.

For instance, the immediate, obvious blessing of Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ. That's undisputable. But because of Christ's birth, we now have Christmas, which means time off work (blessing), family gatherings (blessing), the joy of giving to others (blessing), and receiving gifts from those in our families as signs of their love for us (blessing).

For me, the greatest blessing of all in this season, besides Jesus who is its reason, is simply the time we get to spend with our families. More than gifts or money or bustle or that chill in the air, family is at the very heart of Christmas. Even looking back to the first Christmas, Mary honored God by receiving her Son with thanksgiving and Joseph honored his beloved wife-to-be by standing beside her and believing in her. It would have been easy for both of them to attempt to do other, but instead, they acted out of obedience and love.

I love my family. We have our share of arguments and dysfunction, but we love each other. Fundamentally, love is the defining characteristic of all families, even and especially the Christian family, known as the Church. My own family has only strengthened my understanding of Christian family and community, but I often wonder if people from very broken families are able to comprehend the true joy of being brothers and sisters in Christ. It saddens me to think that they are not, so instead I hope that God has given them a special enablement to understand Christian family apart from earthly family.

Christmas, like most holidays, draws us temporarily out of our busy-ness, the hustle and bustle of day after day. It forces us, better or worse, to be with our families. There's a difference between being with our families and being with our families, if you know what I mean. The goal is not just to sit in the corner, sullenly text messaging your friends. The holidays are an opportunity to slow down and actually be present in the moment, be grateful for the beautiful gift of family.

Many spend the holidays alone, sad, having given up love and family for the approval of a pretty desk and a corner office. Others may have no choice in the matter, finding themselves without family for many reasons beyond their control. But I, oh, I have the opportunity, the pleasure, of spending my holidays with a myriad of relatives young and old; and for that alone, aside from the time off work or any gifts I received, I count myself a million times blessed.

Gloria in Excelsis Deo

Christmas. I have a sort of tortured relationship with most holidays because I’m a child of divorce. For some, holidays mean spending slow, lovely times with family, but with mother and father and in-laws, I find myself harried. I find myself rushed, too rushed sometimes even to remember the purpose of the holiday.

Christmas this year, I have decided, will be different. I will be slow. I will be deliberate about savoring the time with my family and the glorious mystery of the Incarnation. Jesus Christ the Lord, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world, was born into flesh in a barn and laid in a feed trough. He left the beauty and glory of Heaven and came to an Earth that did not recognize Him. He surrendered silver and gold for poverty and a stiff bed of straw. He left perfectly crafted robes for swaddling clothes. The Almighty made Himself low so that we might be lifted up.

The greatest strength of a man is humility. Jesus lived that sort of humility. He could have destroyed all those who came against Him, could have spoken them out of existence with just a word, could have brought Himself down from the Cross and avoided being sacrificed for our sins. After all, we deserve death for our sins; He did not. Death on the Cross was not inevitable. He chose it, with humility, with us in mind. Why? Because He loved us that much.

“For whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” ~Matthew 23:12

Oh, humble, precious Lord Jesus, today in the hearts of men and in the heavenlies, be real, be exalted, be glorified, be lifted up! You are worthy of all the glory and honor and praise the world can hold, and then some.

“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men!” ~Luke 2:14

Merry Christmas, and God bless us, every one!