Blue Like Jazz

My mood is so uneven.  I am fine and then irked and then in tears.  Irritations abound because difficulty abounds.  Where is my peace?  Where can I ever be safe from the tornadoes of the everyday?

The answer lies, I know, in the hollow of His hand.  He is big, He is mighty, and He is shelter and rest.  My inability to relax and rest in His peace is its own sort of learned helplessness, I suppose.  Like the animal who refuses to leave its long-dwelt cage even when the door is open, so I too am trapped in my own insecurities.  This is a lack of faith, because I know (but don't - can't? - really trust) that He is security, that God and my husband as an illustration of God are perfectly trustworthy and out for my good. 

Maybe I've been running so long, kept and held so long as an object of responsibility rather than love, that I find it difficult to conceptualize what it means to be loved, what it means for others to care for real about my happiness and my success.  I'e been told all my life that I am self-absorbed, that I am selfish, that I need to learn to think of others.  Looking back, did I really ever have a problem, or were those who so instructed me simply revealing their own self-absorption?  I don't know.  I have worked at humility, but will I ever arrive?  What's at play here?  Are my womanhood and short stature relevant to my emotional state?

I am a loving person generally.  Love is what drew me to God, and love is what drew the Lord to die for me.  I would say that love is a, if not the, defining characteristic of my life.  I care about others, or at least I think I do.  How do I appear to others?  Do they know that I love them, or do I seem concerned only with self?  My goal is not to impress others, but to be a representation of truth if I can.  No one can see my heart but me and God.  I worry about my own motivations.  Self-doubt has been both bred and instilled in me; nature and nurture are a double-whammy.

What do the two great commandments mean?  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength; and like unto the first one, love your neighbor as yourself.  The Law is LOVE.  I have never had a big problem loving God or others, but do I love myself?  Do I honor myself as a creation of the Most High God?  The questions come easy, but the answers never may.  In this area I am, as in all things, a work in progress.

"Everybody sings their song the way they feel it, everybody closes their eyes and lifts up their hands."
-Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

Everything All at Once (Or, As the Eye Twitcheth)

Today has me smack-dab in the middle of everything.

First, I'm expecting my LSAT score at some undetermined time in the hopefully near future. I think my right index finger is about to stage a coup because it's tired of repeatedly clicking the refresh button. The official score report date is 1/5/09, but they usually do send out scores quite a bit sooner than they promise them. I'm anxious to get my score and know where I stand.

Second, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and I have to work. This puts me in a unique situation because one side of my family has their Christmas gathering on Christmas Eve. Generally, the day before big holidays, we get off at 2:15, but sometimes we don't. My employer would not tell us whether or not we could expect to leave early tomorrow. Either way, I will be late to our 2pm gathering, but there is a distinct difference between showing up at 3 because I got off at 2:15 and showing up at 5 because I got off at 4:15. By 5, I don't imagine anyone will still be there!

Third, a lot of changes are happening at church and while change is good, it can be stressful.

Fourth, the previous three things I listed have made me sleep-deprived, which is not a desirable state for someone trying to navigate stressful situations. I need sleep, but when is that really going to happen, huh?

So yeah, that's where I am today, in the middle of everything, a ball of crazy.

My left eye is twitching, but I think the girl who sits behind me thinks I am flicking my eyelid with my finger for no reason at all. Lovely.